Here came a brand new wave of negative thoughts, they just rode in like if they were home and getting comfortable. Just randomly started stepping in time and time again.
What negative thoughts is it this time? Body issues. I’ve had my fair share of rocky roads and many things can come back to bite me in the butt, however with being abused done and dealt with, with the “fear” of not knowing where I am going to be in the future is a no brainer to deal with and even while my relationship with family is still on the road of recovery, what makes it on its way to destroy my day? My own self.
Can you believe it? Of course you can. We are our own personal enemy. Like I have told you, I want to share life with you. Motivate you that is my goal, sharing my personal story, that is a bonus you wanted to take. How can it be that something so silly is doing my head in?
These days the walls keep me caged in. Not only due to the fact that I have been working a lot day in and day out, I have managed to have time escape from me. Leading to find, I can spend a couple of days without properly responding to people who I love. All this is kind of ok until now, after all, I am working hard because I am ambitious, determined and love what I do. All of it. I want to see it grow. Now, what makes matters worse, is how I feel about myself. I lack time for exercise, I haven’t had time forever. Sure, no one has time, sure no one wants to do it. You don’t understand, I want to work out, I actually enjoy it and it is something useful for me. Yet I have lost all motivation into doing so because I fear of getting out of control again. And for that matter, I have been anorexic before.
What does that have to do with it?
Wanting to have a “perfect” body all the time whatever it takes.
I feel like I need to be better constantly. I pressure myself to be someone better all the time. I went from anorexic to working out a lot and in between not having enough strength to continue which led me to fainting and hospital visits. Since then, it has been a few rain showers and a lot more sunny days. Thanks to the help of my best friend, I have gotten back on track. I have pushed forward and ate whatever I felt. Learning to love myself and feel comfortable. The big but comes in now, it takes years to recover. Granted, it takes how long you want it to take. I do believe that as well. Yet I know myself. I know what it takes me and how long it takes me to get over one thing or another. As you know yourself.
As these walls caged me in, I locked myself in my own horrible thoughts about my body. Curious things to keep in mind is that I am amazing everywhere else. I am proud of my work, I am thrilled to have people who follow me, I am upbeat about looking a new job and place. What makes it not hit the 100% mark? My body. Better said, my mind. I am being my own bully. Not liking my tummy, not liking my face, not liking one inch.
This led me to a full stop. I had to stop, cry and understand my feelings through all this. I talked to my best friend. He reminded me that if it bothered me that much, I would have done something about it. Because that is the type of person I am. He continued in saying that why was I wasting my time in an issue that is not important. After all, I am healthy, not overweight or anything. Most of all he reminded me that how am I going to hate myself if there isn’t anything to hate?
All these tips and pointers have cleared my mind a bit. I should know myself by now to know that if it was that important to me, I would have made the change. I decided to give myself a better future. Set aside other activities and make a better schedule for myself.
You see, as I create this world to help, as I aspire to inspire every day, I am also growing. It starts from within, love from inside then out. I’ve said this a million times. I stand in front of you today (well, sitting down on my bed, actually) with this story. Could have I written another motivation post? Yes. Could this just stayed between my closest friends? Yes. Could I have picked to ignore this? Also.
But, tell me. What is the point of all that? What is the point of hiding who you are if we want to let the world it is ok to be who you are. Thoughts, bruises, feelings and all.
For these, simple sincere words can help someone else in need. Like those many others have helped me. Pay it forward.
I want to be brave. I want to continue telling you my thoughts as well as motivating you. I want to share with you the great voices with #GoDoFly.
Thanks for the read,
The Always Believer
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