Dear Team Flyer,
Today we talk about confessions and a bit of what is on my mind, about me, myself and I… hope you get some clarity along the way as I have done. Be sure to share along, spread those kind comments and open your heart out. This is what we are here for, this is what we do, this is who we are, a team, a family, us.
How dare I?
How dare I think about you this way? How dare I get all confused in the nonsense of advertising and drama? Granted, I do study marketing and love it for many other reasons, reasons as in sharing what is good in the world, reasons like creating awesome material… that is beside the point.. how did I let myself fall down this far?
Maybe it wasn’t that far down this particular rabbit hole… however, it was far down enough. Just enough to look at this skin, this body, this lumps and these curves with hatred. Hatred, now that is something I haven’t felt in years, nor do I ever want to. I felt disgusting, uncomfortable, undeniably horrid at all times… All I wanted to do is run and hide and not come out until I looked like someone completely different. How is that possible, you ask? How is that even a real thing? I have to continue my life every day; going to school, working, getting myself to a better place, aside from the fabulous social life I lead.
You see, these past few months I have been doing a lot soul-searching, a lot of thinking, a lot of planning and figuring it all out… and it has given me more mental health care I could possible ask for… Yes, you got it right, as I was getting better with myself and getting a peaceful state of mind, something that takes time and we are still heading up the road for a better lifestyle, I have been beating myself down by the way I look.
And I don´t like it, it is something that I do automatically, it is just something so quick and easy to do, something I do all the time… Beat myself down over and over and over… How am I supposed to get a balanced life in all mind, body and soul if I still feel like I need to look thinner, prettier, nicer, different?
These words might come as a surprise for some but not for me, I have always been fighting this war, this little big game of ping-pong that just seems to win every single time. And as I sip my tea and tears come down, I see that I am still in disagreement with myself and my needs. I still hide food, I still skip meals, I still sometimes eat too much and I still dislike myself…
Now… now? Now! Yes, now… how dare I? How dare me sit here and talk about bettering myself on the inside and forget the outside? How dare I think this way about myself? How dare I give myself these hatred speeches and this utter nonsense about being someone else? Why do we talk to ourselves this way? Every single day, every single day, every single day… it is always the same story and broken record…
How dare I not love my body? It loves me, imperfections and all. If I am willing to get a better state of mind with myself and align myself with the greatest and best mantras for myself… if I am willing to get off my couch and away from my comfort zone to open up new doors to study what I want…. if I am willing to go through my emotions and talk to myself in a more loving way… why am I forgetting my body? It deserves love too, it does so much for us, it is our home.
So, I don´t know about you, I don´t know your story, I don´t know who you are nor how you feel about yourself, however if it is anything like the rest of this society that we are living in, there is probably something you don´t like about yourself. I am going to change it, take my word. Not only my body itself, yet my own self-love. I need to get that confidence mojo happening, now or now. I don´t care how long it takes nor what is going to happen along the way, all I know is that it needs to happen.
Because how dare I do the opposite? How dare I let it die on my watch? How dare I?
What about you?
Thanks for being part of the wild ride I like to call life… it is always a pleasure, Team Flyer.
Loads of love,
The Always Believer
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