You heard it here first, you always hear it from me.
And you hear correctly. Well, read, all of this is read, least for the time being.
You see, Team Flyer, you have been with me on a daily basis and through many months of changes, random thoughts, ups and downs and you have seen some sort of pattern… talking about body positive for the longest amount of time, least the last few months… why? Is it for you? Is it for me? Or is it just for all of us to be reminded about what is right in the world?
Without leaving too much hesitation in leaving those questions unanswered, I wanted to open up and be real with you. Without worrying, without caring, without any taboo, just being real, honest and as well as I am able to express myself in this area. It is a hard thing to say, it is a hard thing to confess, it is a hard thing to tell the world. Some might be thinking that it is better to get that help and keep it personal, some might think that it is a good idea to be a guide to others while I heal, some might think something else in a whole different direction. Whatever it may be, all I know that I have the guidelines for this area, the guts to tell my story, the feels that make me feel what I feel, the desire to help others and just chose to express myself through here as well.
Much like being sexually abused and speaking up for it, here I go with the eating disorder. I really never thought it would have gotten this far nor this bad. And most of all, this big important weight on my shoulder. Sure, I have talked about it recently to many close friends, sure, it was kinda easy to tell if you hung out with me quite a bit, but still… it lies there. No matter how far I get, there is still something that lingers on. You see, I have overcome many stages of the disorder, from not eating at all, to throwing up, to overeating, to bullying myself every single day. Now, currently for the past year, I have been healthy, I have been eating.. however, I feel overweight (even though I get checked every 6 months now and my doctors told me that everything is looking well.)
Every single thought of mine, every single time, is constantly thinking about food, about what I can eat, about how hungry I am, about how long can I go without eating, about just sticking to vegetables and nothing else… And it has been a constant lifetime battle. From a young age, it has always been about how the see me and how I wanted to be seen. Yet fast forwarding to now, it is just current stress. I’ve gone through a bit of rough year for a series of reasons and all this has led me to be overloaded with my own negative thoughts as well as more responsibilities and life changing decisions.
You see, all these life things that we have to do affects us differently. And as I am finding a balance to all while sticking to the positive, I also have my downfalls and low moments. Most shared intimately, some shared with you. What else do I want to say in this black page? What else do you want to hear? It is a constant battle with myself that only I can make stop and push forward… my doctors are on the lookout, my friends are on the lookout, that is probably the reason why I am still in a good decent amount of weight, they all know. I made sure of that. Can I still lose a few pounds? Yeah, of course, I am working on it yet not letting myself get to the extreme.
As I just had a couple of operations last year where I couldn´t move around much and more weight came in, I feel worse and worse and worse… to the point that it did start to worry me all over again. As you know, I am always overcoming challenges, working on myself to become who I want to be even more and get myself to places that I deserve and wish for the most. It is all about balance and you are finding that balance with me… So, whereas in all the other aspects of life I can get up and get control over, no matter how much of a hurricane I feel like I am going through lately… my eating disorder still gets the worst of me.
Not that I am going to give it more power than it already has, in fact, I need it to be less and less power each day …
Just that sometimes, much like now, it takes over and makes me ill. Do I gain anything from telling you? Who knows? We will find out. All I know is that someone out there will read this and make some head turn and some ideas pop up in their brain. Either as a helping hand or as a sign that they are not alone. There are people we can talk to, there are steps that we can make, it depends on us. Thankfully in this safe space, I can express and open myself up and listen to what you got to say too. And even if stating this might throw something else to the universe, I know I got to own up to it, recognize it and then change my sentence to ¨I am healthy, I am me.¨
Stronger, wiser, healthier every single day. And if it is together, then that is even better.
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The Always Believer
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