Yo! What is up my Team Flyer?
How is life going?
Okay, let´s do this.
A series of recent news and debates have been down in the dumps. You see, these pieces of news and debates have loads to do with my past. Now, for the most part, I am done and over with them. Nonetheless, sometimes, a spark of reality comes in and takes me down like a hurricane, into the depth of its words, flashbacks and nightmares all over again…
Yup, throughout the years I´ve been overcoming many things, as well as going through hard times. Those times seemed to last just a few weeks at most and then it was all back to normal. This time around, not so much. It hit me back at the end of March, struck like lighting in the middle of the night. Out of nowhere, these feelings, thoughts and reactions were back in my life, soon to take over. Negative thoughts that took me down day after day, harsh emotions towards myself and those around me, those feelings that I kept mainly to myself…. April being over and getting well into May, my body was overwhelmed. My mind didn´t understand and my heart was overly confused as why all these thoughts came flashing by, just like that.
My gut feeling told me that these feelings and thoughts were back because they needed to be let out. I needed to take a further step into the future and let go of something that was weighing me down. It was back to heartbreak, tears, panic attacks, sleepless nights and tons and tons of exhausting moments, over and over again. And then June arrived, a brand new job came with it, a job I´ve been doing for the past three Summers… its long hours, its constant talks to 30 new people each week and even more so, the mental game we must have for this job needs to be at its best at all times.
As June quickly came, I became more and more exhausted, I cried much more and I barely slept. And then boom! The storm got bigger as I got one of the most horrifying news ever. The same storm that kept me up, the same burning feeling and tied-down nowhere to go recurring thoughts … hit my best friend. I got the call and it was nothing but bad news. My best friend got raped. In the middle of a crowded place. Yup, I said it. Here it is.
And that is when my world came crashing down. Leading me to more sleepless nights of nightmares, constant panic attacks and even moments of nausea. All this going on while maintaining a stressful job, trying to find another job and a brand new apartment, both for September. And of course, leaving me no strength or need for a social life nor writing here.
I wasn´t sure what I was going to write when I started this post. This is what came out and so it will stay. Because I learned to be brave, to share my feelings with you and most of all, for you to see that I am just like you. A person who is going through life overcoming obstacles little by little. I have been raped and abused at a young age. I have felt abandoned and full of responsibilities. I have taken more than I can handle and gotten myself out of sticky situations. As I write this, I tremble. I shake because it pains me to go on… I am not myself lately. With self-doubting, self-destroying and harm coming into play, I decided to take care of myself.
I stepped up and got help. I started with doctors and therapists, with plenty of other methods and things of the sort. I barely have talked to my friends about anything nor wanted to…Starting now. The reason why I am writing this to you is to let you know that I want to get better. I do have this willpower of getting back up, into this long road to recovery, I want to be me again. That no matter how many times you get up, no matter how much you let go, life will bring you at the right time another chance to let go even more. This is mine. It is my turn to take care of myself.
I might be out of touch with you all for a while, I may come back randomly. I can´t promise anything, not right now, not like this. What I can tell you is that I will get better, I will be me and get over this. Whatever my brain, mind and body is going through, I will overcome this. Why? Because I have done it before, because I want to do it, because I always believe and because I always do.
This post is for anyone who has fallen down again, it is for me to read whenever I fall down to my knees again, it is a second chance, it is to get back up again and get on the road. I am not sorry you have to see me this way, I am not sorry that I am not always cheerful. This is me and this is who I am. We come from hardships, we come from getting back up and deserving a better life.
Let me get back up a bit, let me focus on myself and my own path, let me recover from this a bit and then I will be back. You know it, you know me by now. I will be back with positive thoughts, creative ideas to help the world and a lot less baggage by my side, just to help you. I just need time, please excuse my absence. After all, I am human.
Lastly, I will inform you and tell you the whole story in the future. You know I will. This is part of my #GoDoFly story, the part of the story that is real and dirty, sincere and heartfelt. I´ll let you know how I overcame this and how I am doing… Thankfully, I still have the passion in me to write, to share and to create. It will take me some time.
Thank you for being by my side, thank you for making me smile and wanting to be part of my world.
To my Dreamcatcher, my Adventurer, my Designer and my Thief, thank you. Thank you for being there, thank you for taking care of me, thank you for sticking by me as I share my story and my sleepless nights. Most of all, thank you for reminding me every day of who I am and that I can overcome this. I love you all dearly.
Team Flyer, it is taking me tons of courage to hit this publish button. I do it for you, I do it for me, I do it to make the world a bit better and remember that love is a beautiful things. Inside and out and all around, here it goes!
The Always Believer