Without you

Dear Team Flyer,

As you might have guessed, we are experiencing through a lot of feelings right now, the good ones, the fun ones and the sad ones… And of course, all of them in between. And today´s feeling is sadness and anger. It has been this way for a bit, not to alarm anyone, it has also come with feelings of excitement, stress, love, happiness, energy and positive vibes… all these feelings co-exist with one another leaving us to have a balanced life. The difference is that we are going to focus on these feelings today because they need to come out, just like the rest of them.

The Always Believer


Without You

With you, I fall
It’s like I’m leaving all my past and silhouettes up on the wall
With you, I’m a beautiful mess
It’s like we’re standing hand and hand with all our fears up on the edge

You’re the perfect melody
The only harmony I wanna hear
You’re my favourite part of me
With you standing next to me
I’ve got nothing to fear
Without you, I feel broke
Like I’m half of a whole
Without you, I’ve got no hand to hold
Without you, I feel torn
Like a sail in a storm
Without you, I’m just a sad song
(Sad Song – We The Kings)

Without you, I felt empty.

Without you, I felt like I was missing something.

Without you, I knew that I was only half-raised.

Without you, I saw that there was opportunities that I was missing.

Why, do we believe, do we know, can we think, that with you my life would have been better? How can we know for a fact that if we had each other since the start, my life would have been filled with more love, shelter and kind words?

We don’t, we can’t know, we just don’t seem to ever know that… Anger is what I feel when I think of the times you weren’t there, the times you let me down, the times that I felt alone in a big strange world. Anger is what I feel when I see that you are stuck in the past, when I see that you are telling me the same thing over and over again, when you look at my face and expect nothing but love from me when all I want to do is sit down and cry…

Hurt is what I feel when I think that there might not be a cure for this, hurt is what I feel when I look around me and see that you are not here, you are not here like you said you would be, you are not here because you were selfish, you are not here because you choose to act out and give up… whereas I was left on my own to discover the whole show called life. Hurt is what you made me feel when you bailed on my birthday, when you just didn’t care if you had another drink, when you didn´t make more of an effort to keep us together.

Without you, this has been me without you, only for a few months. Just for a few months. Why not longer? People have asked, people have been curious, people have really wondered why I was there with you for so long… I defended you through thick and thin, I was by your side and I always took your side, I wanted to protect you as badly as I wanted you to protect me, I put my own feelings aside and looked after you…

Without you, this is me without you, I chose to set you aside. Not to be mean nor I think you need a punishment, I chose this because I needed time to heal, to see things differently and I needed space from your vicious cycle. You said you are changing, you say you are growing, yet I am also doing the same. And who’s the one to show the other one the way? Neither. You are no better than me, I am no better than you. This is what I learned with and without you.

You put me through so much, made me question my whole being, made me go through so many loops and climbs to get to where I am.  Would it have been the same if you were there for me the whole time? Who knows? Who can tell? Certainly not me. Am I grateful? Of course, it made me me. Am I still hurt? Yes, and I don’t want to be. I am one to take the higher road, I am one that makes sure I get better each day.

Do I see things the same? Differently? Any kind of change? Time will tell, because all I know that right now, after a few months without you, I am still dealing through the fact that I spent my whole lifetime without you. Coping though these feelings, wanting to cut them loose and move forward.  Everything is uncertain in this world, who knows how it will be when I turn into you? Who knows what are the actions that I will do or not do?

This sadness, anger and pain is as important as all the love I got to give to this world. Because this shapes me, molds me, this makes me open my eyes and figure things out. Why weren’t you there? Why did you leave me be…? I will get these feelings out of my system, I promise. I don’t want them nor need them. I will learn to forgive, heal and be moved by the fact that I took care of myself.

I’ll see it one day, I’ll see that one day all this was worth it and needed… for now, I just see that you don´t care or just started to at least, for now I see things my way because how can I not? These feelings have been with me for more than 20 years, it’s about time I let the see the light of day, no matter how childish or insecure they may seem. For these feelings, for these thoughts, for these learnings and adventures, I salute you and cheer you.

To have patience with me all over again, like I have for you. To have respect for me, much like I have for you. To give me the space and time needed to get it all together, not right, just together. To love me, for who I am, for my mistakes, my thoughts, my heart, my doings. To give me support in what I do and some sort of leeway to a better relationship. Because after all said and done, I still want to do this with you. I don’t know why, I can never know why until the day comes, meanwhile, I know it must be done with you.


 

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